bad clothing

is there really no such thing as bad weather

“No bad weather, just bad clothing,” my mom says cheerfully. Her eyes land on my jeans with skepticism.

“Do you have leggings under those pants?”

We’re heading outside for a walk in the Michigan winter. It’s pitch black at 7pm. We both have flashlights and my dad has a headlamp. I have on three sweaters and two pairs of pants. It’s not glamorous, but if we don’t go now, we won’t leave the house all day. 

I nod and pull a scarf around my face. Each of us zip our coats and then we head out the door. This is nothing unusual. Dressing for the weather has been part of my existence for as long as I can remember.

Born in Minnesota, I came of age in Michigan. That meant turtlenecks under Halloween costumes, maxing out the allotted number of snow days, and stockpiles of hand warmers in cupboards all around the house. 

My parents don’t mind the cold. They enjoy it. For me, though, it is unbearable. 

I can never seem to get warm. My feet become ice cubes and the cold seeps into my bones for months at a time. My general outlook becomes dark too. No matter how much I meditate and journal and do hot yoga and take vitamin D supplements, my mood doesn’t truly lift until a day of sunshine.

I’ve always been envious of people who live in warm places. Being in the sun year-round and not wrestling with the environment feels like it would be a much better way of living. 

I bite my tongue every time someone says “no bad weather, just bad clothing.” What about good weather and good clothing? I long for breezy dresses and summer Mediterranean days.

That said, there is a certain pride that comes from living in the cold. This Midwestern heartiness is part of my DNA. Yes, I may be a wimp, but at least I’m a wimp who knows how to endure.

I’ve taken this mentality into all aspects of my life, sometimes to my own detriment.  

Accept a job with no work-life balance? I can handle it. I'll just go to therapy. Live in an apartment with a toxic roommate? Fine, I’ll be out of the house enough. Stay in an unhealthy relationship? They’re going to change, I know it. I can wait until they do. 

I always thought that it was up to me to make the environment endurable.

In the past two years, I’ve finally seen that there is a limit to how far that can go. 

Yes, I can and should prepare to adapt to my environment. But an extra layer of clothes won’t protect me from a hurricane. 

One experience that taught me this acutely was readjusting my social life after I stopped drinking. 

Newly into sobriety, I didn’t think the way I socialized would change (other than the lack of a drink in my hand). But I soon found out how wrong I was.

Without the numbing of alcohol, I could no longer bear bad dates that lasted for hours. Going to a crowded sports bar to watch a game was miserable. Staying at a party that I didn’t feel comfortable at was no longer an option. 

Yes, I could have continued that way, but doing so felt like self-betrayal. I needed to rewire my Midwestern can-do thinking into the near opposite sentiment. Just because I can do something, doesn’t mean I should. 

This push and pull has been present throughout my life. 

As a kid, I was miserable during New Years Eve, dreaded big parties, and always left sleepovers early. I shoved these feelings down, with the panicked fear that there was something seriously wrong with me. Everyone seemed to be more prepared for the weather than I was. Why couldn’t I just be fun? 

But I’ve come to see that it’s not that simple. 

Of course, yes, there are ways to reduce the effects of the bad weather. But that also doesn’t mean I should drive head-on into a hurricane. Nor does it mean I should stay at home just because there’s a drizzle. 

The struggle is to know the difference.

Because what is a drizzle for someone else might be a hurricane for me. 

Accepting this felt damning at first. I’ve come to understand that I’m a sensitive person, more sensitive than many of my peers. Some things that work for other people just don’t work for me.

The good thing is that there are ways to work within it. I’ve come to see that if I don’t face every storm, I give myself a better chance at facing the ones I want to.

Leaving New York was a prime example of this. 

For several years, I loved living in New York. Then, one day, it became too much. The noise, the cost, the speed. I felt like I was in a burning building, unable to catch my breath or hear myself think. 

I was so embarrassed. All around me, people were making it work. They had the right clothing for that type of weather. 

I didn’t have any explanation as to why I did not. Nothing bad had happened to me. My peers were cruising along business as usual. The only thing I had was my intuition telling me I needed to get out of the storm. 

So I did.

First I left my job, then I left drinking, and then I left the city itself. I hunkered down and took care of myself.

Now when I go back to New York, it’s hard for me to believe I was ever unhappy. 

Seeing my friends and walking the streets is both nostalgic and energizing. Everything is more beautiful than I remember. It’s like my body is experiencing something fundamentally different. 

The city is the same– still grimy, gorgeous, chaotic New York. But I am no longer seeking out the same storms. I know what I am capable of handling. It’s obvious that I’m the one who has changed. 

What has become clear is that it doesn’t matter what anyone else but me thinks about the weather. Whether I shouldn’t feel cold at 60 degrees or shouldn’t be sweating at 40 degrees is irrelevant. 

Am I equipped to walk outside into the elements? No one can know that but me. 

I wish I could reach back in time to my younger self, bundled up with scarves and teary from the cold. I can see now how I walked headfirst into storms I wasn’t ready to handle, because I thought that’s what bravery was.

I would tell her that good clothing isn’t always enough. Not every storm needs to be faced all at once. 

Sometimes, you need to hunker down and wait for the storm to pass. There is courage in that too.