In support of anti-wedding planning

Instead of starting with what you want, start with what you don’t and work from there

all of the beautiful wedding photos in this newsletter were shot by Blake Nelson

Last month, Gustavo and I got married with less than 30 people in attendance and spent less than $10,000. This format might have come as a surprise to some people who might have pictured me with a big wedding. It’s true that I love hosting events and elaborate parties—one of my favorite parts of my old job was hosting 500+ person events on rooftops in Tribeca!

But for our wedding to work, it couldn’t feel like work. I did not want the wedding to take over my life. So when it came to planning, Gustavo and I went about it in an almost-backwards way that was extremely effective. 

Before we brainstormed our dream wedding, we talked about our nightmare scenario. 

There were clear things we wanted to avoid, most notably: overspending and drama. Getting clear on what we wanted to avoid at all costs made it easy to understand what our priorities were. The details fell into place around them. 

The wedding was everything I wanted, but most importantly, it was nothing that I didn’t. There was no drama about guest lists or bridesmaids or seating charts. Because we started from a blank canvas, we got to choose exactly what we wanted to spend money on and what we wanted to skip. I was fully present during the day and felt relaxed, grateful, and wholly there. 

Through our conversations, five clear beliefs emerged about what we didn’t want. They became guiding reminders I repeated to myself as we navigated the decision-making process. 

In asking, “What is this wedding not?” we clarified what it was. 

1. Our wedding is not a networking event

I often mix work with fun, because when you work in a start-up/are a freelancer, everything can be a bit of business and a bit of pleasure. I’ve hosted big birthday parties where people are meeting each other and while they can be fun, they feel more like a networking event. Those big dinner parties haven’t made me feel as connected and energized as a tiny dinner party of my closest friends. With that insight in mind, I didn’t want to be “catching up” with people at my wedding. If we need to catch up, you shouldn’t be here! Because we kept the guest list to just family and close friends that lived in the area, the guest list was under thirty people. 

The idea that our wedding should be about our relationship and not have any other purpose was something that Gustavo laid out from the very beginning. I can get caught up in the hype of things, in what’s shiny and cool and being written about. Some years ago, I was telling Gustavo about how weddings can get featured in different publications and he stopped me right there. “We’re not planning our wedding just to get featured in a magazine,” he said. That set the tone from the very beginning. This was not a marketing moment. This was our wedding. 

2. Our wedding is not a performance

I didn’t want to be focused on performing our wedding. I wanted to be present. It was not a content event. I wanted to be fully there, participating. With this in mind, we prioritized picking a photographer we were excited about. That way I completely trusted him and knew the photos and videos were going to be excellent. I could surrender the need to “capture” everything and just be there. I barely used my phone all day. 

This idea that the wedding is not a performance also guided our decision to read our vows the night before the wedding to each other, in front of our immediate family, in my grandma’s hotel room, with no recording. It was the most beautiful, intimate moment of my life. I will never forget it. 

3. Our wedding is not our only dream

Getting married was an important thing for us this year, but it’s not the most important thing. We have many goals and dreams, all that we care fiercely about. For much longer than we’ve been talking about the wedding, we’ve been dreaming about buying an apartment. As of writing this, we are going to close on our first apartment this week (!!!!). Having the down payment and renovation costs hanging over our heads helped us stay disciplined with the wedding expenses and stick to a much smaller budget. There was no room to let it get out of control. 

When we were explaining to the family members and friends who ultimately weren’t on the guest list that the wedding was small because we were making a big commitment to our goal of home ownership, everyone understood. They were excited that we were able to accomplish many dreams at the same time. 

4. Our wedding isn’t going to ruin my life (& mental health progress)

Now twenty-seven, I’ve worked with a therapist for several years to learn how to eat again and heal the eating disorder that wracked my life for a decade. In my experience, big milestones like vacations, graduations, birthdays, and parties have often triggered an unhealthy body fixation. Even when I thought Gustavo might propose, I founf myself working out more, because I knew there might be photos. I was terrified about what a wedding might do to all my progress on my body image. 

This was top of mind throughout the entire wedding planning process and especially when I went dress shopping. I dodged the bullet by buying a dress at the first store I went to, a stunning vintage midi-dress that fit perfectly off the rack. I didn’t have to get any alterations and losing weight wouldn’t have made it look any better, because it fit perfectly as is. The dress had long sleeves and a slightly scooped neck, with minimal skin showing. I was covered, and felt radiant. 

Gustavo and I had previously spoken about having a bigger wedding so we could invite everyone we wanted to, which would have been probably two years in the future. Even then, I could feel myself start to obsess about how I looked. The saying goes that work expands to the time you give it and I could feel my obsessive ways start to ramp up. I began to look into skincare and hair treatments, I knew it was only a matter of time before the obsession would come to my body. 

We avoided all of this by reducing the timeline to one tenth of what it was going to be, deciding to essentially elope with our family and friends at the Marriage Bureau in New York City in three months. I had my dress. I had enough logistics to obsess about that I couldn’t obsess over how I looked. I am so proud that in the weeks coming up to the wedding and the days before, I didn’t fall into any unhealthy eating habits or crash diets. I ate normally, enjoyed my food, and felt beautiful on the day. I wasn’t going to let the wedding ruin all my mental health progress. And it didn’t. 

5. Our wedding isn’t going to ruin our relationship 

Fighting about a wedding felt like the biggest oxymoron ever. I decided early on that if something about the wedding was going to be a sore subject or point of contention, I didn’t want it. A wedding is too expensive and too big of an investment to make us miserable. By changing the format and reducing the scope, it became so much less stressful. It became joyful and light, without any sense of obligation.

Weddings can be many things to many people, but what I learned in our wedding planning process is that the most important thing is to decide what it will and won’t be for you. By avoiding what we didn’t want at all costs, we got a wedding that felt like us.

Our wedding was a moment of celebration, recognition, and admiration, not anxiety. By defining our nightmare scenario, I got the wedding of my dreams.