the best dating advice I’ve ever gotten

no, it didn't come from a self-help book

If you’ve been around this newsletter for the past few months, you may be aware that I am in capital L o-v-e love. (See here, here, and here for reference.)

But if you’ve been a long-term reader, you know this has simply not been the case.

As a friend once so kindly put it: Maybe one day you’ll write about something other than addiction and chasing men. 

Apparently, that day has arrived. 

But how did we get here?

As a scorned student of the self-help scheme who had dedicated entire floor-to-ceiling bookcases to the genre, I decided one day to stop seeking advice. 

I had spent so much time obsessively consuming mental models and decision frameworks, when really, I needed to pay attention to my inner knowing.

This change generally has worked well for me. I feel more autonomy and gratitude in my life, knowing that I am charting the path that feels right for me.

But then, at an astrology workshop no less, I met a woman who changed my life with her advice.

Her name is Kautar and she’s an incredible mosaic artist. Her work has graced Architecture Digest too many times to count. 

But her real artistry is in the advice she gives. It has changed everything.

We met for coffee in Paris months ago. I was gushing about this new guy I had just started seeing. She held up her hand. 

“Look, I have some thoughts” she said.

Despite my general distaste for advice, I leaned in closer. 

Everything I had been doing in past relationships was not working. I wanted this one to be different, I really did. So when Kautar told me to listen, I did. 

These 3 sentences changed everything: 

1. Be mysterious

2. Don’t be mommy

3. Let them come to you

As an oversharing, micro-manager, who physically chased after someone, I was stunned. 

“Kautar, I quite literally don’t know how to do that,” I said. 

“Just give it a try,” she said, laughing. 

I pulled out my phone and wrote these phrases down in my notes app. I didn’t want to forget them. I couldn’t. 

I didn’t. 

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Now months later, Kautar and I burst into laughter when we see each other. 

Her advice worked, simple as that. Or maybe he is just different or I am just different or the stars aligned, or some million other explanations. 

But what I know is that I did something different and I’ve gotten a different, and better, outcome than I’ve ever had before. 

Whenever I see Kautar, she leaves me with the exact gem of wisdom I need in the moment. 

Most recently she left me with this: You teach people how to treat you. 

I’ve been carrying this closely to my heart these days. I hope you might find something in her words that you want to carry too.

Have you ever gotten life-changing advice? Share it in the comments below.